Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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