I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
