I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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