There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
