I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
