i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im having a threesome with these popsicles
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
