I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
