Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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