Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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