Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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