she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
