From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
