Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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