is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
