I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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