you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
