dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
