my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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