my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
