cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
