can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
