sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
