my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
