During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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