i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately