fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?