I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
my poor anus
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.