just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.