the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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