god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
