why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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