i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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