im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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