I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
false alarm. still invincible.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
