hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
