I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
