just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
