As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
