Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
