ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
