I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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