so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
