Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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