isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
