I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
