I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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