you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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