i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
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Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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