This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
