I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
