I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
