U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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