I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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