I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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