i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
