just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize