The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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