Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
