PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i think i just lost a toe
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
