My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
