"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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