That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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