He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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